What Do You Really Want?

A few years back, I had a remarkable day where three wise men each told me, “I only do what I want to do.”

What would that be like? I wondered. Sure, I did some things I enjoyed, but much of what I did daily was because I had to — be it work to make money, keep the household humming, take care of my family, and so on.

Interestingly, none of the guys who stated they only do what they want were retired. They were busy, successful, hardworking, creative people. How could they escape the mundane tasks we all have to manage?

Looking back, even though I’m a firm believer in unretirement, not to mention being a long-time meditator, there was a part of me that believed one day the decks would magically clear. Then, I’d have the luxury of only doing what I truly wanted.

But what does the word “want” mean, anyway? One of the three men — author Tom Asacker — has a new book, Unwinding Want, which examines the hidden forces behind the word “want” that control our actions, foster dissatisfaction, and push us to lead unexamined lives. 

You’ll want to follow his advice on breaking out of your hypnotic, delusional state (his words)​​ and live a happier, more fulfilled life, trust me.

What is it You Want?

The first step in unwinding want is to understand what the word means in the first place. Asacker’s definition isn’t the dictionary one related to desire or need; instead, he defines it as:

Something you do. If you do it or allow it to continue in your life, you want it. 

Let that sink in. Your soul-sucking job? You want it. The years-long fight with your sibling? You want that, too. Ditto with living in a place you don’t really like, your rage-inducing daily commute, or doing chores that fill you with dread.

Let’s be clear: the “you” that is your essential Self might have been thinking for a long time that you’ve got to make a change. But the “you” that is controlled by your brain’s wiring, determined to keep you “safe,” influences your choices and keeps you stuck in a cycle of doing what you think you think you have to vs. being who you want to be. 

For the record, “you” are not alone. We all do these things, so to break us out of our habituated living and question our patterned ways of thinking, Asacker offers that maddening definition of “want” to provoke contemplation and inject doubt, much like a Zen kōan.

A Fish Story

Beyond your brain’s wiring, there are countless reasons we do what we think we have to, from familial and societal conditioning to ingrained biases. 

The combo platter of biological and conditioned, habituated responses takes you out of the present moment and any associated discomfort and throws you into the soothing thought of a make-believe someday. 

To illustrate how that works, Asacker shares the parable of a businessman who spies a solo fisherman in a small coastal village returning with a good-sized catch after a short time at sea. When the businessman inquires why the fisherman didn’t stay out longer, the fisherman replies he has all he needs — with plenty of time to sleep in, fish, play with his kids, walk with his wife, and sip wine and play guitar with his friends in the evening. 

The businessman is incredulous; if he were the fisherman, he would spend more time fishing to raise the funds to build a cannery empire, move to the big city, announce an IPO in 10 or 20 years, and make millions. 

The fisherman asks:

Millions, sir? What then?

And the businessman replies:

Then, you would retire, move to a small coastal fishing village, where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a walk with your wife, and stroll into the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your friends. So, what are you waiting for?

Good question, right? So, what are you waiting for? And what are you truly wanting for?

You Are Not Your Story

Your thinking mind is good for many things: it can follow a recipe, tell you when to make a left turn, and remind you where you left your keys.

And it’s also a helluva storyteller, spinning yarns based on old information about what it thinks it knows. But, as Asacker points out,

Unless you’re aware and tell it otherwise, it will manifest your wants for you based on what has ‘worked’ for you in the past. In order to help you deal with your feelings, in the moment.

The story your brain tells you is largely avoidant. Feeling anxious? Have a drink. A little bored? Grab your phone and doomscroll. Not sure what to do? Take a nap.

In an ever-changing world, your brain wants you to keep the status quo, so it’s full of cautionary tales. Asacker calls these “delusions” — fear-based fantasies that keep you safe and small. He notes there are three delusions your brain likes to serve up:

• “This and That”: I don’t want this, but I do want that.
• “Now and Then”: I don’t want this, but someday…
• “Right and Wrong”: I don’t want this, but it’s right.

When you examine those delusions, things quickly fall apart. Want to test drive this idea? I have been experimenting with questioning my thoughts lately. Little things like “I hate mayo” come up, so I try eating a tuna sandwich with mayo.

As it turns out, mayo is a perfectly delicious condiment! 

Now, try unpacking bigger stories, like whether you love what you do, where you live, or who you’re with. This may seem scary and hard, but not questioning your brain’s deceptive stories can lead you down a dark path.

The One Thing You Don’t Want

In Unwinding Want, Asacker shares palliative care nurse Bonnie Ware’s findings on the top five regrets of the dying:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

While there are certainly more, all stem from the same root: not allowing yourself to be fully alive and open to challenging your rote thinking, embracing awareness, and making daring (and sometimes painful) decisions. No one wants to die with regret, so you must never forget: you are not the story in your head.

So, Whatcha Whatcha Want?

Here’s the ultimate irony: you’ll never figure out what you want if you try to intellectualize your way into the answer. The trick is to reframe how you consider “want,” as Asacker notes:

What you want is your intention. And if you’re conscious of it, your intention drives your attention.

In other words, you’ll know what to do by listening to the fine level of feeling. It will flow naturally.

Then, you’ll find yourself actually doing what you want to do.

That word “flow” is intentional. You know the flow state; it’s when you’re so absorbed in something that nothing else seems to matter. 

And while that sounds like pure bliss, the journey there might entail sitting with discomfort. That’s where your brain steps in — fearful thoughts put a stop to that energetic flow. 

Or, as my meditation teacher and mentor, Jeff Kober, says:

Our ideas keep us from experiencing the priceless gift of life in a nervous system. The ability to feel it all. 

Trying to “figure out” what to do with life turns it into a problem. But, as Kober adds:

But my life is not a problem…it is a process to be experienced, not a problem to be solved. And what is required for the process to be successful is simply that I be present and aware, and willing to give of myself, willing to love.

Meditation, in all its forms, including mindfulness, is simply practicing letting go of the thoughts that seek to fill us with fear. Regularly seeking out information about how to get into the flow of life (i.e., reading books like Unwinding Want) is what we meditation teachers call “correcting the intellect.” It’s all about taking intentional steps to change your association with your thoughts and recognizing that you are not your brain’s stories or ideas of yourself.

Ultimately, you are a beautiful expression of life here to discover what you have to offer the world. When you step into a situation with the intention of seeing what you can give, not get, you are fulfilling the crucial journey of understanding your purpose.

And if what shows up is in sync with your innermost feelings and innate intelligence to a point where the outcome is beside the point, then you’re onto the key to unwinding want — allowing yourself to be in a deeply fulfilling relationship with the world around you.

You’ll stop putting down the mundane, which Asacker points out springs from the word “mundus,” meaning “worldly, pure,” as it wrongly diminishes simple pleasures — which includes everything and everyone around you that exist in the here and now.

In this present state, you can drop the fear and anxiety about what was or will be and get down to the business of being fully alive. 

Now, who wouldn’t want that?

PS: Wondering who the other two wise men at the beginning of the story were? One was a client and friend who rose to the top of his profession over a 50-year career and, to this day, insists that his greatest success wasn’t the awards or fortune he amassed but the ability to spend a lifetime immersed in the pleasure of creative collaboration. 

And the other was Brian Clark. 😉

Unwinding Want: Using Your Mind to Escape Your Thoughts by Asacker

further: flashback