Watching the most recent horrendous Hollywood breakup featuring a former GenX heartthrob makes me wonder about people’s expectations of marriage vows. We cling to the romantic ideal of unconditional love, then are shocked when amore devolves into acrimony.
In real life, we get to see that part that the paparazzi doesn’t — the mundane elements of everyday life. Anyone in a relationship longer than a few months knows the pendulum swing from “I can’t live without you” to “If I don’t get five minutes to myself, I’ll destroy you.” (Particularly in the pandemic’s wake, where research showed couples experienced the equivalent of four extra years in their relationship.)
This is what relationship expert Terrence Real calls “normal matrimonial hatred.” But there’s a kinder way to describe something that’s not only natural but also holds the key to a long, healthy union: relational ambivalence.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
At some point in every relationship, we wonder if it’s worth it. This can be a momentary thought or something that builds over time. As Esther Perel explains, that’s because unconditional love in romantic relationships is a myth, and reality is somewhere in the middle.
“Relational Ambivalence” is the experience of contradictory thoughts and feelings—of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear, contempt and envy—toward someone with whom we are in a relationship.
We all want that Jerry Maguire moment, but there’s no way to keep “you had me at hello” on repeat. Familiarity doesn’t have to breed contempt, but it certainly begets ambivalence.
Love Rollercoaster
New research shows ambivalence is not only normal between couples, but it’s also an essential tool to spur improvements in their relationships. The researchers found a correlation between high levels of relationship uncertainty and greater motivation to improve marital challenges – leading to increased relationship satisfaction over time.
So how do you navigate the discomfort of ambivalence? You can, of course, decide to leave (especially if the relationship is abusive or differences are irreconcilable) or justify staying, forcing yourself to continue to love unconditionally – regardless of if it feels right.
But there’s a third way, which involves simply holding the ambivalence. This kind of radical acceptance, Perel says, allows you to embrace ambiguity and release expectations and needs that stifle evolution.
Stop trying to justify, stop negotiating, and just sit with it. Can we accept that we can wholly love a person without having to love every part of them? This is a much more realistic expectation of romantic love and relationships.
Yes, your loved one is flawed, and so are you. If you can make peace with loving someone but not always liking them, then one thing is sure: you have what it takes to make it for the long haul.
The Myth of Unconditional Love in Romantic Relationships (Esther Perel)
