If you’re not doing what you say you want to by the time you’re middle-aged, then it’s time to take a hard look at what’s standing in your way.
While there might be legitimate reasons, you may have also unwittingly become accomplished at self-sabotage. (Cue the Beastie Boys.)
The signs are everywhere, and they include procrastination, distraction, avoidance, and asking the wrong person for feedback or advice. My friend Dede calls this your “running to your negative comfort zone.”
Before you start beating yourself up, remember that unlike other forms of sabotage, which are conscious acts, self-sabotage is unconscious. So, let’s discuss how it works so you can stop blowing up opportunities you desire — and deserve.
Your Own Worst Enemy
Self-sabotage on the surface seems counterintuitive. Why would you create obstacles to your own success? Some easy answers include low self-esteem, limiting beliefs, and fear-based behaviors to avoid the unknown.
However, according to psychologist Judy Ho, author of Stop Self-Sabotage: Six Steps to Unlock Your True Motivation, Harness Your Willpower and Get Out of Your Own Way,” the true culprit is your brain’s bias for self-preservation.
To protect ourselves from potential emotional and psychological stresses, we stall or stop moving forward in the way we really want.
Self-sabotage happens when there’s an imbalance between your mind’s drives to avoid threats and seek rewards. Before you know it, your progress is halted, your relationships are shot, your mental health is suffering, and the thing you say you want keeps getting further out of reach.
Luckily, there are several ways you can stem self-sabotage.
Defeating Self-Sabotage
As with any behavior change, the first step is awareness. Ho recommends paying attention to self-defeating thoughts.
Next time you notice a negative emotion or an action you wish you didn’t do, ask yourself, ‘What was I thinking just before I noticed this feeling or action?
As you begin the process of introspection, be compassionate with yourself. You don’t mean to sabotage your dreams, and behavioral change is challenging.
Some of the techniques Ho and other experts recommend to stop self-sabotaging include:
- Labeling your negative thoughts: By noticing the stories your brain tells you, you can decide what’s true and what’s not.
- Challenging behaviors: Ask yourself why you procrastinate or put something or someone else ahead of your goals.
- Accepting responsibility: No more excuses — embrace the idea that you’re the one getting your way.
- Taking baby steps: Make accomplishing your objectives manageable by breaking them down into smaller chunks.
And if you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider talking to a friend or therapist — accountability and assistance are the antidotes to self-sabotage. By conquering your self-defeating behaviors, you’ll be on your way to achieving your dreams.
Do you self-sabotage? Here’s how to stop. (The Washington Post gift article)
