Recently, a friend lamented to me about a pandemic-related demise of a friend circle. Ironically, the falling out was instigated by a Heather – both the woman’s name and a perfect example of a best friend/greatest enemy.
Losing friends is always difficult, especially nowadays. Research shows COVID-induced social distancing contributed to a “loneliness epidemic,” although it didn’t create it. In 2018 the Kaiser Family Foundation found that 22% of British and American adults often or always feel socially isolated or lonely.
Now, put this in the context of longevity research that says close social connections are essential to a long, fulfilling life; notably a landmark Harvard study launched in 1938. Researchers followed a sampling of men for eight decades and found the top predictor of health and happiness at 80 wasn’t professional success — it’s the level of satisfaction in relationships at 50.
Turns out you’ve really got to have friends.
Benefits With Friends
You don’t need fancy studies to know a close friend is a joy in good times and a lifeline when things are rough. However, the research is compelling, as close friendships are correlated with better health, less stress, and greater happiness. According to Marisa Franco, psychologist and author of the upcoming book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends, even one good friend can make a difference.
The biggest return we get in friendship is going from zero to one friend in terms of its impact on our mental health and well-being. If you can get that deep with one person, it’s going to be powerful and it’s going to be impactful, and you don’t need to have a ton of friends.
“One” and “not a ton” are vague amounts, so how many friends do you really need?
Buddy Count
In 1993, British psychologist and anthropologist Robin Dunbar theorized humans could cognitively manage about 150 connections simultaneously. He used a series of concentric circles to represent friends, from the widest outer rings of casual acquaintances to an inner circle of around five intimates. Later studies validate Dunbar’s work, with most people reporting four to six BFFs as the magic number.
Now, people aren’t surveys, and the number of close friends you need is subjective. According to Dr. Franco, a better assessment is whether you feel part of your identity is being restricted by your current besties.
Different people bring out different parts of us… If you feel like your identity has sort of shrunk, or you’re not feeling quite like yourself, that might indicate you need different types of friends.”
Making good friends gets more challenging as we age, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle. If you need advice, ask a confidant. After all, that’s what friends are for.
How Many Close Friends Do You Really Need? (New York Times)
