Living in today’s social media-fueled “compare and despair” culture isn’t just something that plagues the younger generation; we people of a certain age certainly aren’t immune. Research shows that out of the four dominant personality traits — pessimistic, optimistic, trusting, and envious — the scales tip most heavily towards envy.
In other words, you don’t have to be embarrassed about feeling envious, as it’s a common human emotion. But it’s also complex, compounded by how our cell phones make other people’s good fortune, successes, vacations, and even perfect meals virtually inescapable.
Instead of coveting what you don’t have, the trick is to shift your attention to what you do. Once that happens, you’ll be in the enviable position of living more authentically, peacefully, and contentedly.
The Lack Trap
First, a quick primer on the difference between envy and jealousy:
Envy is a form of misery, anger, or discomfort that you experience for not possessing what another person has and what you desire. It shouldn’t be confused with jealousy. This is the emotion you feel when you’re faced with the possibility of losing someone with whom you have some kind of relationship.
While some psychologists believe there’s an upside to envy (“benign envy”) when it motivates vs. breeding resentment (“malicious envy”), others, like psychology professor Yochi Cohen-Charash, argue making such distinctions only confuse the issue. Underlying the emotion is unstable self-esteem. So, while it’s normal to feel occasional tugs of inadequacy, regular bouts of envy can compromise your mental health.
Slay the Green-Eyed Monster
Envy comes from a place of lack and low self-esteem, so the antidote for envy is simple:
Nothing more than being yourself and cultivating a firm, positive, and healthy identity. To do this, start by clarifying who you are and what you stand for. Instead of wistfully thinking you could be smarter/thinner/more successful/more whatever, think about all the things that make you unique: your values, passions, successes, and dreams. What makes you proud? What do your friends and family love about you?
Next, check your social media consumption. You don’t have to detox fully; just consider a careful pruning to stop following people you play the social comparison game with. Instead, connect with those who inspire/motivate/educate you.
Finally, shift your mindset away from jealousy and focus on finding joy. For example, you can take an epicurean approach and ditch anxiety-provoking activities (ahem, competing for what someone else has) to cultivate tranquility. Or adopt a Zen mindset by finding joy in others’ achievements (“Mudita”).
The point is to choose self-compassion over self-loathing. When you do that, you make a conscious choice to covet nothing but your own self-esteem.
The Antidote for Envy (Exploring Your Mind)
